A Vag Pad?

You know it’s coming. Two characters that are definitely digging each other in the movie you’re watching have their love scene. They rip their clothes off and leap into bed. Are they doing it? Does it look like it? Thanks to Hollywood cinematography, filmed sex scenes are faker than MTV reality shows. Female actors now wear “vag pads” to cover up their stuff. Apparently this prevents penetration, because penetration in the movie is equal to porn and Hollywood doesn’t want that. It sounds like another Tinsel Town secret has been revealed, gracias Emmy Rossum. That’s why I watch Independent films. I don’t think they have extra money in their small budgets for “vag pads” which makes their scenes a little more real. By the way, what did they use when filming Brokeback Mountain?

Literally Is Killing Me, Figuratively Speaking

“Literally,” the word, has been raped and beaten to death by the mouths of young people all around. I first noticed the misuse of literally while watching a show of Jersey Shore. Then I heard it in conversation. Literally now seems to be taking the place of “seriously,” or it’s a word placement of some phrases where it does not belong. For example when I hear someone say “OMG! You’re so funny I literally peed my pants,” I expect to look down and see that person standing in a puddle of their own urine. When I overhear a story of someone’s great weekend anecdote, and they say, “I literally died when that happened,” I want to say no you didn’t or else you wouldn’t be here. People also say literally just for the hell of it. For instance, “I literally forgot how do to that.” There is no way to literally forget something. You either forget or you remember. That’s it! There is figurative speaking and literal speaking. Figurative is when you say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a whole elephant.” Or this could be said by saying, “I was so hungry I ate the entire sandwich,” and it’s very possible to be taken literally when you say this since it is possible to eat a whole sandwich but not a whole elephant. Please keep this in mind before you literally open your mouth. Hopefully this is the only thing that catches on from this show because it would be a shame if the new look in women’s fashion consisted of short skirts, UGG boots, Coach bags and a hair bump.

Too Much Bootie In The Pants

It seems as if our body type preferential trends are slightly steering towards the ass. I’m sure there are some guys out there who still prefer a nice rack, but the bootie-craze has taken off. Now instead of push up bras women can get padded underwear to accentuate their barely there tushies. Prominent top-heavy figures like Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson have been replaced by sex symbols with bigger bottoms like JLo and Kim K. Only time will tell whether or not breast implants will be superseded by ass implants. I found a YouTube video of these girls who put a camera in their back pockets to catch all the stares a nice butt gets. Check it out.

Bad Drivers Part II

It happens to everyone. We don’t look forward to it, but we know it will happen sooner or later when we are driving on the highway. It’s the accident on the side of the road. No one likes to be in the congestion let alone be a part of it. However it is inevitable that the effect of a highway bumper buster will be the closing of a lane, forcing two lanes to merge. A simple social theory has been tested that states when two lanes merge, no matter what lane you are a part of, you acknowledge the zipper effect. The zipper effect is a practice done when one car goes ahead from one lane and the second car proceeds from the second lane. You let one person through, then you go through. We may not have been raised the same way, we may disagree on beliefs, we may side with different end of the political spectrum, but one thing we all can agree on is the zipper effect. In situations like the one mentioned, it works. This entry is dedicated to the person who bypasses what is right and does not acknowledge the zipper effect. You may not know this, but by skipping your turn or pushing your car through the process, you are secretly loathed by all of your peer drivers. Take this into consideration next time you find yourself in that situation and act accordingly. The drivers will thank you.

A New "Clean" Drug

Most people love to take baths to relax. Many industries make large profits on aromatherapy, candles, bubble bath gels and soaking salts because of this past time. The lovely people in Florida love their bath salts and how they smell. In fact when sniffed hard enough, the bath salts, sold at convenience stores and gas stations, give you same effects as meth and cocaine. Now when I need to get some nice bath salts, gas stations or convenience stores do not come to mind, and my bath salts do not come packaged in a little baggie that could be easily confused for gram of cocaine. The funniest part is how someone figured out that sniffing these bath salts bought at the corner store would give you a sufficient high. Was this the result of a double-dog dare? Did someone say a really bad word, and instead of the conventional “soap-in-mouth” approach, their parents figured snorting bath salts would be a little more extreme? People get more and more entertaining every day.

Me So Vote-y!

If the Terminator can get elected governor, then Uncle Luke should be a shoe-in for Miami’s mayor. Mr. Me So Horny wants to make a change in Miami. The areas that need the most help are still doing poorly and it seems things in the 305 only look better for a select group of Miamians. He addressed the fact that Miami International Airport has been experiencing the same construction for the past 20 years (anyone from Miami knows they don’t fly in or out of MIA) and the rising cost of housing. He plans on making money for the city by taxing the strippers (tax that, tax that, hoochie mama). Our new city slogan can be "Miami has ass that pays." I’m excited about the outcome of this situation and am on Uncle Luke’s side. Will he be Miami’s new hope?

Bad Drivers Part I

Everyone loves to talk about how their town has the worst drivers. I have never heard a city congratulate itself on having the best drivers in the country. So I think it’s pretty much safe to say there are bad drivers EVERYWHERE. Starting today and continuing every Wednesday I will illustrate a different type of horrible driver. I’m sure these are drivers that everyone can relate to and hopefully you are not one of them. My first post goes out to the driver who doesn’t acknowledge the left hand lane. When you are on a highway, the left hand lane is reserved for the faster cars or passing and not as another lane option to cruise at 50MPH. I know what you’re going to say, the speed limit says 65MPH, therefore I am going the speed limit. This may be true for the right hand lane where the speed limit is enforced, however in the left hand lane the speed limit is just a suggestion. Please keep these rules under consideration should you feel the need to veer off into the left hand lane while steadily cruising at 60MPH.

No Way Chick-Fil-A

Have you ever loved someone? I mean really, really love someone? Let’s say you had read something about that person you love on the Internet and you were left devastated. Then you tell yourself, it’s only the Internet and it can’t be true. This person would never betray you. You know them; they’re not like that. It happens everyday, and it just happened to me. I do love. I did love. I happened to love Chick-Fil-A immensely and just found out they provide FREE food to anti-gay rallies. It was a punch to the gut. I understand it is a Christian based organization. I understand they are probably judgmental as most Christian followers are, but I would never imagine good Christian companies to incite the fuel of hate that slithers around this country dividing us by views instead of uniting us with love. How could you Chick-Fil-A! I loved you. Now I’m torn between what is right and what is delicious. Will I stay strong and steer clear from the homo-haters or will they give me that southern charm and melt me like butter on the surface of one of their fresh-baked buttermilk morning biscuits?

Not Patton Oswalt's Lovechild

When it’s storming outside and nothing is going right people look to their favorite things to cheer them up. For the moment my favorite thing is watching Keenan Cahill’s “Down on Me” YouTube video with 50 Cent. Who is this kid? He’s hilarious and makes me happier than a bundle of rainbows and unicorns. Did I mention how adorable he is? No, he’s not Patton Oswalt’s lovechild, trust me, I already googled it. Whatever he’s doing he better keep it going. He has millions of YouTube views and Fifty Cent in his bedroom. What I wouldn’t give to just have one of those things. Some guys get all the luck. The best part of the video is that he doesn’t even make his bed or clean up his room for Fifty. Why does he need to? He’s Keenan Cahill. I love this kid!