We're So Smart

Hey smart Miami people! Have you ever had chat with fellow Miamians and thought to yourself “Yo, Im so smart compared to these people” in the midst of your conversation? Well it could be because you are living amongst a civilization of idiots. Daily Beast released their “Smartest Cities” list again this year, and in terms of Miami, I’m sorry to announce, we didn’t place too high. We ranked a nice 48 out of a whopping 55. Come on Miami! We need to do a little better. Read some books, take some classes and go hit up the Adrian Arsht Center. I regret to inform everyone in Miami who was just getting over our season opening loss to the Celtics, that Boston had in fact has beat us again. They ranked number 1 in smartest cities. Miami is pretty much labeled the dumb blonde, the Jessica Simpson of cities per se. Yeah, we may not be able to discuss the theory of relativity vs. wormholes in the speculation of time travel, but have you checked out our beaches and clubs? Click here for the full list.

Miami Hype

It seems like only yesterday when Lebron James whispered those sweet nothings in the ears of all Miami Heat fans alike. We were jumping up and down screaming in delight as if we had already won the 2011 NBA Championship. Tonight all of our hopes, wishes and true fandom will be put to the test as we see our very own dream team go against the defending Eastern Conference Champions a.k.a. the Boston Celtics. Two things can happen tonight. One being the Heat win and all of the hype that led to this moment is credited for. Pat Riley along with the Heat association will be held in the highest regard for creating the most amazing team to ever grace its sneakers against the wooden floorboards of the American Airlines Arena. Or the other scenario is Wade will get injured, and so will 3 other teammates and the Heat will lose. No one will remember the joy that James brought and Miami will show its true fan colors…and they are not black and red. A Miami fan’s colors are like that of a chameleon’s and will only change for the winning team. So my best goes out to the Heat and their new team. I hope you all stay healthy; I hope you all win us games; and I hope you all have the time of your lives…because if you don’t it’s sad to say Miami fans will soon forget about you. We all know what happened to the Marlins. But hey, at least you have South Beach just down the street to assist in drowning your sorrows. Click here for an oldie but goodie article illustrating a Miami fan.

Low Times

Don’t you hate it when your weed man gets you some bad bud? Honestly, it’s the worst, kind of like the time I fell in love with the cutest singer I would’ve totally been a groupie for until I found out his age…damn you Justin Bieber! Ugh! What a buzz kill. Well one guy wasn’t having it. He ended up calling the police to complain about this injustice that was cursed upon him. I guess his short-term memory loss made him forget that he was in fact complaining to the law about an illegal substance. Oh boy! Better luck next time dude. By the way for all my friends out there that want marijuana legalized…here’s a word of advice. Have you ever taken a look at the people that actively want to legalize pot? You know the crowd I’m talking about. The Bob Marley listening hippie freaks who refuse to wash their hair and wear clothes rancid enough to turn a skunk away in shame. Look you guys need to get together and tell them to shut the hell up and stop giving all you other Mary Jane lovers a bad look. I’m talking to the lawyers, doctors and businessmen who smoke just to relax and take the edge off. Who is going to take a non-showering hippie wannabes seriously anyways…this is America people…image is EVERYTHING. That’s just my thought on the issue. Click here for the story.

Loko Oh No!

College undergrads abusing alcohol is a tale as old as time. So why is it a certain alcoholic beverage is getting banned from campuses across the nation? In a nutshell this drink is the perfect drink for the college audience and campuses want to take it away. Damn you college administrations! You know the drink I’m talking about. If not, get with the program; it’s called Four Loko and it’s the perfect college drink. What makes a perfect college drink? Well since most college kids are up to their eyeballs in student loans and debt it’s very important that their liquor of choice be extremely affordable. Four Loko is only $3 for a 12.5-ounce can. Also a perfect college drink has to keep you up considering a college undergrad has been going to class, studying, working a part time job, rushing for a fraternity and campaigning for clubs during the day. This can become quite exhausting. Four Loko is actually loaded with tons of caffeine and taurine and will even keep a narcoleptic awake for hours. Finally the perfect college drink has to, well…get you drunk, and Four Loko has that covered. It’s a shame that colleges don’t understand the importance of “getting plastered” right before your first day of classes. Don’t they know a certain college initiation must commence before you get that first "F" for not showing up to class because of an awesome hangover? So what if Four Loko is being compared to liquid cocaine and is considered the new substitute for rufilin? How else are those obnoxious frat boys going to get girls to lower their inhibitions, forget their standards and stay over their houses anyways? Isn’t that what college is about? I guess some administrations will never understand. Until then…let’s get loko!

Me and my Bitch

Biggie Smalls said it best on his Ready to Die album when he expressed a fond connection between him and another. A friend till the end; someone who is down; an individual that would ride or die…that’s what Biggie was talking about when he released “Me and my Bitch.” This blog is dedicated that certain couple. The couple who epitomize the type of relationship Biggie spoke of. I think it’s important to use the Halloween holiday as extra reinforcement to showcase your inseparable connection and fondness for one another. Romeo and Juliet, Adam and Eve, Sonny and Cher, Batman and Robin…Dressing up together and displaying your love is just another reason I love the Halloween holiday. Click here for more costume options for you and your bitch.

What Constitutes a Douche?

Some words gain popularity instantly. Others take time to become loved. What’s interesting is how the word "hot" can now mean "cool" and "cool" is "hot." Get it? It's the way we play with the English language to keep it fun and interesting. What I’m really trying to understand is how did the word douche become so notoriously popular? And why douche? Why not enema? Why do we use this word? Do the people saying it know what it means or what a douche looks like? A douche is a tool used to clean out vaginas. So how did the term become the slogan for a guy who acts like an ass? I mean if a guy is acting like a douche, then that would mean he's getting in somewhere…if you catch my drift. And how do you know when someone acts “douchey?” I’ve heard plenty times “this guy is a douche” or “don’t be such a douche,” but what constitutes a douche? It’s my first time posing a question to everyone out there. I am asking for enlightenment. I’m asking for opinions. I’m seeking out the douche. Thanks.

It's Not Natural

Imagine waking up and finding an alligator in your pool. This guy must’ve been incredibly surprised. The fact an alligator would turn down its natural habitat and end up in someone’s chlorinated synthetic watering hole is beyond belief. That’s not the natural order of things. It must go against some Darwin law of survival. What’s even more surprising is Snooki, the star of Jersey Shore, turned down a $400K offer to pose for Playboy. The girl who is spending a large portion of her short-lived career promoting partying, making out and bisexuality won’t pose nude for a classy well-to-do magazine. I just don’t understand. That’s twice today natural law has been broken. 2012 must be coming up sooner than we think. Check here and here for those of you who actually read the articles.

Indecent Proposal

So Palm Beach Sheriff’s office is getting slapped with a lawsuit. The story is about a guy who was arrested for wearing his pants too low. His family members ended up complaining and instead of the sheriff office letting Mr. Pants on the Ground go they arrested the family members as well. Basically a big “screw you” for sticking up for your family. So after the boy and family beat all charges against them, they retaliated with a lawsuit. Now I could care less about how low someone’s pants are or how much of their body a person shows on a regular basis through wardrobe decisions. What I don’t understand is why isn’t a sheriff’s office doing something about John Mayer? I am so sick of these girls complaining and crying over this insensitive prick. Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston…and TAYLOR SWIFT?!?! Really John? Did you have to go and diddle Taylor Swift? Ms. American Pie of tween pop? I’m just disgusted. Word on the street is that he’s after Kim Kard”ass”ian…don’t do it Kim. Click here for the pants story and here for John’s new conquest. Gross…

FSU

Let’s go ‘Noles! Let’s just say I am a little more than excited about my alma mater’s football season. Finally we’re having a great season and have a pretty good change at a great Bowl Game…we’re not talking about a bowl game sponsored by a restaurant that people stopped going to in ’95 either. At first I’m sure a lot of people were apprehensive about the season considering we didn’t know what to expect from the new coach who had taken over for the Great Bobby Bowden. All I can say is that I am thoroughly pleased. This blog goes out to all of my Seminole fans. Oh yea…and if you think the girl in the pic above looks familiar, you may be right. That’s Jenn Sterger…the chick who is the proud recipient of the Brett Favre cock shots…dick pics…whatever. Yea, she went to FSU as well and from the looks of it was really into football back then. Gotta love those FSU girls.

Brazilian Blow

Ladies-imagine seeing a beautiful girl walking by. Her hair is absolutely shiny and perfect as it sways in the wind. It practically dances with every ever-so slight bouncing step this beautiful stranger makes. You think to yourself “I would DIE” for that hair. It’s kind of sad that this phrase is not too far from reality. Apparently there’s this thing called a Brazilian Blowout that can cause some serious harm to your body. The chemicals used to straighten hair and create a beautiful shine can also give you flu-like systems (chest pains and sore throats). The main culprit is the formaldehyde used in the treatment. I just say be weary of any new Brazilian fad coming out. Brazilian jeans gave young girls a 30-year-old beer gut look, Brazilian waxes, according to my doctor, give a whole new respect to gynecology considering how intrusive the whole process is and now Brazilian blowouts are making women sick. Let’s just say we admire the Brazilian models and not look like them…In honor of that I’ve attached a photo of Brazilian Victoria Secret model Adriana Lima. Here’s the article from NPR.

Holy Fish!

Who said South Florida was safe? Not I! You know it’s bad when you continuously have to watch your surroundings in a busy nightlife where gunshots are as typical as fireworks on the Fourth of July. And it’s not uncommon to see club bouncers dump bodies outside of clubs in empty alleys after ecstasy overdoses. To sum it up, in South Beach the phrase “party till you die” is not a figure of speech, but also, if not careful, a possible outcome. So where does one go when they need to have some peace and quiet? Well thankfully we have a world of peaceful resources also known as the Everglades and the Florida Keys. They are our peaceful escape when Miami living gets a little too hectic. Unfortunately the fish in this area are not happy about the unexpected peace-seekers and are claiming their territory. Just the other day a woman was kayaking through the serene mangroves of Big Pine Key and was brutally stabbed…by a fish. The fish, a 5-foot long Needlefish, jumped out of the water and punctured the girl’s back, collapsing a lung. It might sound crazy and ridiculous, but hey, it’s South Florida! Check here for the full story from the Miami Herald.

Skull Vodka

Halloween has to be one of the best holidays. Dressing up and spooking out is all the appeal I need for a great party. Girls can get away with wearing duct tape bikinis and no judgment is ever passed. Since the beginning of time celebrations and libations go hand-in-hand. It’s only natural to go out and get a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka for Halloween extravaganzas. I haven’t tried it yet but Dan Akroyd advertises it, so it must be good! A member of the Ghostbusters would never put his paranormal reputation on the line by recommending sub par vodka marketed in skull packaging. Did I mention the vodka is triple-distilled through diamond crystals? I can’t wait for Christmas…who knows what those magical elves will come up with to top this one.

4 Extreme Days

Let me clarify the picture above is not inspiration for a watercolor still life; it’s my lunch. I’m attempting to shed some major inches from my mid section by Saturday night. Impossible? Maybe, but I am going to tackle this sucker like a linebacker to a quarterback on super bowl Sunday. The reason for the sudden need to “shape up” is the fact I host a Halloween party every year. This year’s extravaganza is going to be celebrated a week before the actual holiday just so it doesn’t interfere with another’s plans. A year ago I came up with the brilliant idea of dressing up as a mermaid in all of its half-naked glory. I was so optimistic that the costume would kick-ass due to the fact I would be hitting the gym up consistently and busting out 1,000 crunches per night Britney Spears style circa 2003. A year has passed and I’m still chowing down on my two loves: pizza and ice cream. So there it is, the party is 4 days away and I am in the same shape I was in when I first bought the costume (which is NOT mermaid-perfect). I came across a diet called gastric confusion and am willing to give it a try for the first week. I know plenty of people who have tried this extreme fashion of dieting, and it has worked which gives me faith to continue. Stay tuned for any progress or updates.

It's Midterms!

It’s voting season! Mid term elections are upon us and everyone is out on the street voicing their opinions. Aspercreme and Head-On commercials have been swapped for political accusations and scripted lies. Candidates’ past times are being exposed and broadcasted throughout TV and Internet banners. Some people get frustrated while others eat it up like juicy work gossip you can only get around the water cooler. All these indications remind me that November is coming up close. Another indication was a burst of brief entertainment I encountered while on my way to work the other day. I was caught up in a little bit of morning traffic, but fortunately I found some great political material as I peered above my steering wheel and saw a big red F-150 pick up truck decorated with the driver’s right-winged views. One particular sticker shouted out, “HEY DEMOCRATS BY AMERICAN AUTOS IT’S ABOUT JOBS!!!” I was beaming and instantly felt the urge to grab my iPhone and snap away. The truck’s driver definitely saw me because as we approached a red light, my positioning landed me right beside him and as I looked over I caught his eyes glaring directly into my passenger side window. It was too hard of a glare to ignore so did the natural thing; I rolled down the window and informed him about his typo. He then replied in a strong southern accent that it was a damned democrat who made the sign for him and the damn democrats cant get anything right. How was I supposed to respond? I couldn’t help but laugh nod my head and roll up the window. Thankfully the light turned green and we were off. The big red gas-guzzling American-made pick up truck turned right as I made a left.

My First Entry

I think it’s time. So many days after memorable moments and thinking to myself repeatedly on how I should have a blog in order to share my thoughts and opinions and stories with the my friends and the world; it’s hit me. The time has come. It’s hard to start up without any one single topic, but here it is, the introductory rant. I figured if I waited for the most opportune moment to go ahead and start talking then it would never happen. I would feel compelled to write my first entry that would leave people awestricken and flabbergasted. Unfortunately, nothing in my life is that interesting. But now I know the time is right. The time has come. The cock has crowed and the alarm has buzzed. What is it that compelled me to go ahead and start a blog? Well here it is: it’s honestly nothing. This entry, my very first entry, and sometimes the entry people believe to define the existence of a blog is NOTHING. There is no topic, there is no point, there are no deep metaphors. It is just what it is…words typed on a keyboard and projected onto a formatted screen. I bring you my first blog entry, and it’s honestly nothing. Enjoy. More to come soon. I promise.