A Vag Pad?

You know it’s coming. Two characters that are definitely digging each other in the movie you’re watching have their love scene. They rip their clothes off and leap into bed. Are they doing it? Does it look like it? Thanks to Hollywood cinematography, filmed sex scenes are faker than MTV reality shows. Female actors now wear “vag pads” to cover up their stuff. Apparently this prevents penetration, because penetration in the movie is equal to porn and Hollywood doesn’t want that. It sounds like another Tinsel Town secret has been revealed, gracias Emmy Rossum. That’s why I watch Independent films. I don’t think they have extra money in their small budgets for “vag pads” which makes their scenes a little more real. By the way, what did they use when filming Brokeback Mountain?

Literally Is Killing Me, Figuratively Speaking

“Literally,” the word, has been raped and beaten to death by the mouths of young people all around. I first noticed the misuse of literally while watching a show of Jersey Shore. Then I heard it in conversation. Literally now seems to be taking the place of “seriously,” or it’s a word placement of some phrases where it does not belong. For example when I hear someone say “OMG! You’re so funny I literally peed my pants,” I expect to look down and see that person standing in a puddle of their own urine. When I overhear a story of someone’s great weekend anecdote, and they say, “I literally died when that happened,” I want to say no you didn’t or else you wouldn’t be here. People also say literally just for the hell of it. For instance, “I literally forgot how do to that.” There is no way to literally forget something. You either forget or you remember. That’s it! There is figurative speaking and literal speaking. Figurative is when you say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a whole elephant.” Or this could be said by saying, “I was so hungry I ate the entire sandwich,” and it’s very possible to be taken literally when you say this since it is possible to eat a whole sandwich but not a whole elephant. Please keep this in mind before you literally open your mouth. Hopefully this is the only thing that catches on from this show because it would be a shame if the new look in women’s fashion consisted of short skirts, UGG boots, Coach bags and a hair bump.

Too Much Bootie In The Pants

It seems as if our body type preferential trends are slightly steering towards the ass. I’m sure there are some guys out there who still prefer a nice rack, but the bootie-craze has taken off. Now instead of push up bras women can get padded underwear to accentuate their barely there tushies. Prominent top-heavy figures like Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson have been replaced by sex symbols with bigger bottoms like JLo and Kim K. Only time will tell whether or not breast implants will be superseded by ass implants. I found a YouTube video of these girls who put a camera in their back pockets to catch all the stares a nice butt gets. Check it out.

Bad Drivers Part II

It happens to everyone. We don’t look forward to it, but we know it will happen sooner or later when we are driving on the highway. It’s the accident on the side of the road. No one likes to be in the congestion let alone be a part of it. However it is inevitable that the effect of a highway bumper buster will be the closing of a lane, forcing two lanes to merge. A simple social theory has been tested that states when two lanes merge, no matter what lane you are a part of, you acknowledge the zipper effect. The zipper effect is a practice done when one car goes ahead from one lane and the second car proceeds from the second lane. You let one person through, then you go through. We may not have been raised the same way, we may disagree on beliefs, we may side with different end of the political spectrum, but one thing we all can agree on is the zipper effect. In situations like the one mentioned, it works. This entry is dedicated to the person who bypasses what is right and does not acknowledge the zipper effect. You may not know this, but by skipping your turn or pushing your car through the process, you are secretly loathed by all of your peer drivers. Take this into consideration next time you find yourself in that situation and act accordingly. The drivers will thank you.

A New "Clean" Drug

Most people love to take baths to relax. Many industries make large profits on aromatherapy, candles, bubble bath gels and soaking salts because of this past time. The lovely people in Florida love their bath salts and how they smell. In fact when sniffed hard enough, the bath salts, sold at convenience stores and gas stations, give you same effects as meth and cocaine. Now when I need to get some nice bath salts, gas stations or convenience stores do not come to mind, and my bath salts do not come packaged in a little baggie that could be easily confused for gram of cocaine. The funniest part is how someone figured out that sniffing these bath salts bought at the corner store would give you a sufficient high. Was this the result of a double-dog dare? Did someone say a really bad word, and instead of the conventional “soap-in-mouth” approach, their parents figured snorting bath salts would be a little more extreme? People get more and more entertaining every day.

Me So Vote-y!

If the Terminator can get elected governor, then Uncle Luke should be a shoe-in for Miami’s mayor. Mr. Me So Horny wants to make a change in Miami. The areas that need the most help are still doing poorly and it seems things in the 305 only look better for a select group of Miamians. He addressed the fact that Miami International Airport has been experiencing the same construction for the past 20 years (anyone from Miami knows they don’t fly in or out of MIA) and the rising cost of housing. He plans on making money for the city by taxing the strippers (tax that, tax that, hoochie mama). Our new city slogan can be "Miami has ass that pays." I’m excited about the outcome of this situation and am on Uncle Luke’s side. Will he be Miami’s new hope?

Bad Drivers Part I

Everyone loves to talk about how their town has the worst drivers. I have never heard a city congratulate itself on having the best drivers in the country. So I think it’s pretty much safe to say there are bad drivers EVERYWHERE. Starting today and continuing every Wednesday I will illustrate a different type of horrible driver. I’m sure these are drivers that everyone can relate to and hopefully you are not one of them. My first post goes out to the driver who doesn’t acknowledge the left hand lane. When you are on a highway, the left hand lane is reserved for the faster cars or passing and not as another lane option to cruise at 50MPH. I know what you’re going to say, the speed limit says 65MPH, therefore I am going the speed limit. This may be true for the right hand lane where the speed limit is enforced, however in the left hand lane the speed limit is just a suggestion. Please keep these rules under consideration should you feel the need to veer off into the left hand lane while steadily cruising at 60MPH.

No Way Chick-Fil-A

Have you ever loved someone? I mean really, really love someone? Let’s say you had read something about that person you love on the Internet and you were left devastated. Then you tell yourself, it’s only the Internet and it can’t be true. This person would never betray you. You know them; they’re not like that. It happens everyday, and it just happened to me. I do love. I did love. I happened to love Chick-Fil-A immensely and just found out they provide FREE food to anti-gay rallies. It was a punch to the gut. I understand it is a Christian based organization. I understand they are probably judgmental as most Christian followers are, but I would never imagine good Christian companies to incite the fuel of hate that slithers around this country dividing us by views instead of uniting us with love. How could you Chick-Fil-A! I loved you. Now I’m torn between what is right and what is delicious. Will I stay strong and steer clear from the homo-haters or will they give me that southern charm and melt me like butter on the surface of one of their fresh-baked buttermilk morning biscuits?

Not Patton Oswalt's Lovechild

When it’s storming outside and nothing is going right people look to their favorite things to cheer them up. For the moment my favorite thing is watching Keenan Cahill’s “Down on Me” YouTube video with 50 Cent. Who is this kid? He’s hilarious and makes me happier than a bundle of rainbows and unicorns. Did I mention how adorable he is? No, he’s not Patton Oswalt’s lovechild, trust me, I already googled it. Whatever he’s doing he better keep it going. He has millions of YouTube views and Fifty Cent in his bedroom. What I wouldn’t give to just have one of those things. Some guys get all the luck. The best part of the video is that he doesn’t even make his bed or clean up his room for Fifty. Why does he need to? He’s Keenan Cahill. I love this kid!

Arizona is Getting High-er

It seems like Arizona has turned into the Charlie Sheen of states and is consistently making the news. After the tragedy at the Safeway and other little insights into the questionable Arizona laws, the Grand Canyon State is making headlines again. This time it’s regarding their on-going battle with their border control. The state will now make their borders taller so that smugglers can no longer get marijuana over the line. It turns out a video camera had caught smugglers catapulting bags of marijuana over the border. Haven’t we seen this strategy before? Do they have Angry Birds down in Mexico too? Are they sure its drug smugglers and not those malicious little birds trying to knock down those pesky pigs? I guess Arizona’s only option is to get higher, with their border that is.

What You Mean It's Not Meat?

Just this morning while surfing the web, I stumbled upon some seriously disturbing news. Apparently Taco Bell’s ground beef is not really ground beef at all! Ok, I understand this is not really big news, and its “breaking news” level is along the same lines as a story about Lindsay Lohan getting arrested for public intoxication and going back to rehab. The part that disturbed me is the fact that the state of Alabama felt the need to hire a law firm and point out the untruths in Taco Bells meat advertising. Uh...thanks Alabama, but it seems as if it’s a little too late ya’ll. With documentaries and stories coming out from every direction exposing the American fast food industry’s food and advertising as deceptive and fake, who still believes in the wholesomeness and quality of this business? I guess Alabama feels hurt and duped by the fact they were being lied to all this time and needs to do something about it. Kind of like a girlfriend who finds out the love of her life has been lying to her for months straight; the only difference being she probably got over it and never hired a law firm to sue anybody. So how bad is it? Turns out the scrumptious mixture we know as Taco Bell meat has only 35% beef and 65% other ingredients. Ok. Thanks Alabama for pointing that out, but guess what? At 3AM chances are that the 1-mile line of cars leading to the Taco Bell pick up window will prove that no matter what the quality of meat is people are still going to be thinking outside the bun.

I Pick You

Well after yesterday we finally found out the two lucky teams to make it to the Super Bowl, the two teams to face off and go down in history. Unfortunately the Jets did not make the final two. Now let me start by saying I am in no way a Jets fan, nor do I associate with fans of this team (well sometimes, on the rare occasion), but I’m a little bummed that we will not be seeing anymore Jet-antics for the remainder of the season. No more scandals, no more trash talking, no more foot fetish videos, no more tripping other players, none of that. The team you love to hate is out of it, and it feels a little bittersweet. You’re happy the run is over, but sad to wonder if they could have added any more sleaze and shame to the NFL. Congratulations to the Green Bay and Pittsburgh teams and goodbye to the Jets.

It's Bumpin'

Word on the street is the new hot trend in high schools now is teen pregnancy. 90 students are pregnant or recently had babies at this one Memphis high school. Don’t believe me? Check out the article here. What is going on? Why is being pregnant so cool? Is that what’s hot on MTV? Oh wait! That IS what’s hot on MTV. These kids are bombarded with reality shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. Imagine the school cafeteria? How do they manage to keep up with all these prenatal cravings? Walking down the hallways with all these pregnant bellies must resemble a bumper pool table. Wouldn’t you think? What does this all mean? Are we giving the “OK” to teenagers everywhere who are contemplating being parents at such a young age? One thing I can tell you is say goodbye to the wholesome PTA events. In 10 years I predict PTA events transitioning from “Spaghetti Nights” and “Bake Sales” to “Clubbin’ Nights” and “Beer Pong.”

Having Fun With Ink

I was inspired while doing some online surfing. This entry has no insight and is not suggesting any type of harm on any political or celebrity figure. It just makes me laugh. It's fun to see how much ink amuses me.

Who Needs Snow Anyway?

One of these states is not like the others. Which one could it be? Of course it’s Florida! According to news reports yesterday it was snowing in 49 of our 50 states. The only state not wanting to play in the “me too” game is Florida. Oh well. Sorry guys! There goes one more reason to dislike us. Yes, we adopt every reject and mentally insane person all other states reject, we can’t count votes for anything and we have continuously sunny weather. Hate us. But wait! Didn’t it snow in Miami during the mid-80s you may ask? Some do believe this actually happened, but for everyone else it was confirmed that a plane of cocaine was flying over the city and has sprinkled white powder along the coast of South Florida. Sorry to burst everyone’s bubble. I was told that story many times as a young child too, as well as the story of the Dolphins’ perfect season. There’s always hope and if we wish hard enough it may happen again…for the Dolphins.

Is that You Comedy Central?

The New Year is here and many people are noticing the familiar term “out with the old and in with the new.” This was exactly the case when I was watching the news last night on my choice of news broadcast shows The Daily Show. (I would like to take a pause right here and remember those who were victims of the shooting in Arizona. I also think John Stewart had great insight on the incident and probably put into words the thoughts that were harvesting in most of our minds). So when my news broadcast went on to a commercial break I noticed something wasn’t right, a change was made and I didn’t know why. Comedy Central had changed their logo. I don’t know how I feel about this because I didn’t see a problem with their previous branding symbol. Were they trying to get a little more serious? Was the old logo just not funny anymore? Is Comedy Central growing up? Did this happen when the old logo and the Chanel logo ended up getting sloppy drunk at a holiday party? So many questions run around in my head unanswered. What I can say is the new logo, which looks like it got ripped off of Comcast or even the Copyright circle, doesn’t give me that warm tingly feeling inside. If this logo was a person, I don’t think I would invite them over or even out to a work lunch with me. I’m not saying I can’t change my mind. I just don’t see the appeal. What gives Comedy Central?

It's Pronounced 2011

Happy New Year!!! It’s a brand new year and a brand new look on life. Well, not necessarily brand new, but I am set to change the world. Not every aspect of the world, but at least the way America pronounces the New Year. After 1999 we had the years 2000-2009 and pronounced them “two-thousand” through “two-thousand and nine.” But now that we are getting up there in years, it is my resolution and responsibility to tell people the proper way to pronounce the new year. It is not going to be “two-thousand and eleven” it is now pronounced “twenty-eleven” in order to conform to the previous naming convention used for earlier years like “nineteen ninety-seven” not “one-thousand nine-hundred and ninety seven.” So next time you hear someone pronounce our new year as “two-thousand eleven” take them aside (so as not to embarrass them) and explain to them the proper way to pronounce the new year. Trust me, they will be extremely thankful. Not only are you helping them out from ever sounding like an ass again, but also you are doing your duty as an educated individual to share the knowledge. Please take this into consideration and remember its pronounced 2011. Happy New Year!

Reason for the Season

Rewind your memory bank a little and remember when you were just a little runt jumping up and down in a line waiting for the chance to sit on Santa’s lap. You knew that once you sat on his knee and told good old Saint Nick what you wanted for Christmas he would get the message and that exact gift would be in your grubby little hands on Christmas morning. The entire season revolved around your anticipation for that particular event where your prized possession was waiting for you under the Christmas tree. As we get older the anticipation for a present under the tree diminishes. We don’t look forward to Santa’s visit and we become overwhelmed with shopping and gift giving. Stressed out because you can never find the perfect gift and frustrated with the gifts received from people who think an air freshener or a Snuggie® is actually something you need, you realize this is not the same giddy feeling you use to have whenever December rolled around. We end up losing that feeling of anticipation, and when it’s all over you say to yourself “that was it?” while looking forward to New Years Eve parties and champagne. What we forget is all the little pleasures that get overlooked. The Christmas songs on the radio, the cool weather, the hot cocoa, the eggnog or coquito, the parties, the Christmas lights, the trees and ABC family specials are all little pleasures that are celebrated throughout the Christmas season and are sometimes overlooked when we are shopping and fighting over parking spots. Take a breathe of the cold air and absorb as many memories around you as you can during the season without being consumed by the consumption.

(Thanks Daddy)

Come Fly with Me

What’s your favorite part of flying? I think mine would definitely have to be the part where I get to take off my shoes and walk through security scanners on a dirt-infested floor while getting scoped out by airport security in all of my full-frontal nude x-ray glory. No wait, maybe it’s the part where I get to take every item out of my luggage and reveal personal items that are usually reserved to top dresser drawers. Any way you look at it, airport security is no walk in a field of flowers and has definitely put a bad thought in every mind alike. At least serve complimentary cocktails while waiting in the never-ending line to humiliation; that may make things somewhat tolerable after realizing you just spent $75 on extra baggage fees. But do you think any of this extra security is actually helping us? Just the other day skycaps were fired from Miami International for letting bags by without going through security and without checking the luggage’s weight. Now I’m not a physics major, but I’m pretty sure weight and baggage play a big role in how a plane takes off and flies. And if I’m not mistaken weight and take-off were the same variables that played in the formula resulting in Aaliyah’s death via plane crash. How did the skycaps let baggage through without security or weight checking? I guess it’s the same question answered when you see that misfit in VIP at any club in South Beach. Slip the bouncer, in this case the skycap, a $20 and you, or your bags, can get in anywhere. It’s the Miami way. Click here for the article.

Pee On You

Sexually active people everywhere will be peeing on their phones. Has the cost of healthcare gotten so bad that we feel the need to pee on our cell phones to verify whether or not a sexually transmitted disease has been contracted? I mean forget all those doctor fees and don’t even begin to mention what lab work costs nowadays. Have we let the cost of current healthcare get us to this point? Or is it that we as Americans have developed such a love affair with our phones and what they can do that we continuously push the bar as to what is acceptable phone behavior. I don’t recall peeing on your phone as “acceptable phone behavior” either, but anyways check out this story about an app under development that promises to give you your STD results only if you pee on your phone. Everyone go ahead and practice your aim R. Kelly style.